And so it begins!

I started on my first round of hormones a few days ago. This first round begins with a hormone called estradiol, and as the name suggests, it is a form of estrogen. I am supposed to take it for about a month, then add in progesterone.

Progesterone causes the crazy to come out.

I haven't ever been on estradiol before, and so far it hasn't made me too crazy, for which I am grateful! The main side effects I have discovered are fatigue and headaches. I haven't ever really had a problem with headaches before other than the occasional "haven't had enough sleep"/ "too much sleep" variety. But since I started the regimen I have had an almost constant throbbing pain, and around the early afternoon I have a distinct "slump" in my energy levels.

I have taken progesterone before, and let me tell you: I become utterly insane.
Random crying, irritability, and the tendancy to be very emotional in general have my poor husband running for cover and throwing chocolate at the wife-beast on an hourly basis.

Once, while on progesterone at the beginning of last year, I spent the better part of four hours crying.  That's right. Four hours. I cried in the shower, on the couch, while getting ready for my night shift as a waitress (didn't help with the makeup application, that is for darn sure), and riding my bike to said job. I only barely got under control to serve tables. This is what hormones do to me, they make me a slobbering pile of girly emotions with a healthy dose of angry and bloaty. Lovely.

Luckily it's all going to be worth it, and I would gladly go through just about anything to have a child, but sometimes I wonder if Heavenly Father made me hormoneless so the world wouldn't have to deal with me on full girlzilla mode all the time! ;)

Everything is coming together, and we are on schedule to do the embryo transfer in August! The fourth week in August is the magic time when we will find out if it worked! I'll try to keep you all updated, thank you for all the support!

Love, Sam

There is something about springtime!

It just makes me want to go outside, eat more fruit than any one person should, and have Bar-B-Ques and picnics. I love Spring and Fall, because they aren't too hot or too cold, and both are periods of transition. This Spring I have a bit more on my mind than usual. I tend to be a restless sort of person, mainly due to the constant moving I did while growing up in a military family. As a result, I am always anxious to move on to the next adventure, sometimes to the detriment of my current situation. I also and a very impatient person. When I decide I want to do something, I want to do it NOW! Whether it be something simple like painting a room another color or something big like moving to another place.

At other times in my life, I could really go from making a decision to following through with it in a matter of days. When I graduated from college, I had less than two weeks before I up and moved to Germany for 13 months. When I came home, I stayed with my parents for a while as I figured out what I wanted to do next, but we got tired of each other pretty quickly, and when I decided to move out, I found a place with roommates and moved out in less than 24 hours.

Yeah. I'm like that.

But now, I'm in a different situation. With Thomas in school and working full-time, we don't really have the option to up and move whenever I want. We can't even move apartments, as we have to find things that are pet friendly (and those kinds of places are few and far between here in Provo). I shouldn't switch jobs, because I love what I do and have awesome coworkers, so that's out. I can only dye my hair so many times before it all falls out, so that isn't happening either.

Basically, I am ready for a change. And Thomas is willing to do anything he can to make me happy, including trying to shove two years of school into less than a year so we can move on. So for the past couple of months, we have been planning out exactly how hard we both have to work so that we can graduate, do IVF, and not go into a horrendous amount of debt in the process.

We added and re-added all the credits that Thomas has left, when he could take them, how much we would both have to work, how much it is going to cost for IVF and school at the same time, and how to time everything so it works out just right. And then I realized...

It can't be done. Sure, if I didn't want to see my husband for the next years straight and stress both of us out, neglect our sweet dogs, and possibly go bankrupt, we could probably do it.

But i like my husband, and I love spending time with him. I love it when he's not super stressed out. I love cuddling my puppies. I really love cuddling my hubby.

And so last night, after wrestling with it for a few days, praying and really deciding what my priorities are, I told Thomas we needed to slow it down. Instead for running ourselves into the ground, we are going to take an extra semester and graduate in December of 2015 instead of April 2015. I have felt so much peace after making this decision, and as much as I dread spending more time in Utah, it's better than having an absentee husband for a year. And I can endure anything if I just put on my big girl panties and suck it up! ;)  I know whatever lies in store for us, that we will do it together, and with The Lord on our side, how can we not succeed?

I am grateful for the promptings of the Spirit. I am grateful I am in tune enough to realize when the Holy Ghost is telling me something that I should be doing even when I don't really want to hear it. I know that If I continue to heed those promptings I will be blessed, and so will my family. And as much as I rebel against being here in Utah, I know it's where we need to be right now.

I broke down and got a Utah driver's license today. So I guess it's official...I'm a Utard. For the time being, at least! ;) I really am enjoying being close to family, and friends from college. I am grateful for the new friends I have made, and for the great ward we are in. I know if I can just have a better attitude, I will be able to have a good time here and continue to make our time here pleasant!

And yes, you can go ahead and be proud that I blogged twice in one month.

Until next time!

Much love,
Sam

I Can Do Hard Things

WARNING: This post contains medical acronyms and may at some points be considered borderline over-sharing. If this sounds embarrassing to you, please refrain from reading.

I have given up on being good at blogging regularly. I'm sure when I have something more exciting to blog about, I will be more inclined to do so. But right now, about every six months I can gather enough material to make a good post. If you have a desperate need for more regular updates, please see my Facebook/Instagram accounts, they are more regularly updated with the daily goings-on. Although, if you are currently reading this, you probably already see the inordinate amount of pug pictures and work shenanigans I post. ;)

Moving on...

It's been a crazy six months. Since I last posted we have:

1. Moved. We now live in a cute three bedroom apartment smack in the middle of the Provo low-income neighborhood. Our complex is an oasis of nicely kept lawn, clean sidewalks, and nicely clothed children in the midst of the ghetto. Or as much of a ghetto as Provo can boast, at least.

2. Adopted two pugs, one three years old (Phoebe) and one four-month-old puppy (Daphne). They are adorable and keep us on our toes.

3. Taken two trips back to Colorado, once for Thanksgiving (we stayed in  Florence with Thomas's family) and once to welcome my younger brother Jordan home from his mission to Brazil (we stayed with my family in Colorado Springs). We had so much fun both times, and look forward to when we can visit again.

4. Almost finished two more semesters of school. Thomas is in the middle of finishing final projects for his classes, and is ready for school to be done. He has a two summer terms and two full semesters left before he graduates. We are both ready to be done, and are trying to decide where we want to be when the time comes. We are lucky enough that with Thomas's degree, we can pretty much have our pick of places to go. I am helping by looking at all the fun houses for sale in several of our top city choices...

5. I started teaching a beginners beading class at a cute little shop in Orem, and also applied for and landed a part-time job at the See's Candies in the University Mall. If anyone needs some truffles, I've got the hook-up. I also get to wear a super fun white dress that resembles something a nurse would wear in a nursing home. It has a giant black bow on the front of it. I'm excited!

6. Found out we will never have biological children. And now the over-sharing begins! It's kind of a long story, but that's what blogs are for, right? So it all starts back when I was an angst-ridden teenager...(cue flashback music and fade effects)...

When I was eighteen years old, my periods stopped. Assuming it was due to being severely overweight, I didn't worry about it. At the time I had a lot of other things on my mind, and having children wasn't even on the list. As time went on and I lost weight, it still didn't really concern me. I figured they would start up again once my body adjusted to it's new weight.

They didn't.

Again, being single, I didn't worry too much. Years passed, I graduated from college, moved to Germany, moved back to the states, started jobs, and lived life.

Then I finally got married. And the infertility talks started. I knew something was amiss, as I had not had a naturally-occurring period in almost eight years. I began seeing a doctor. When he told me I was infertile for reasons unknown to him, I sought a second opinion. The second doctor told me that not only was I infertile, but he suspected I could possibly have a tumor, I again switched doctors. This time I took the recommendation of a friend and went to a reproductive endocrinologist at the UofU. He ran one blood test. It told us all we needed to know.

I am barren. I have no ovarian reserve. No genetic material of any kind to contribute to a child. I was a bit devastated at the news. After being told three times that I could never conceive a child, it was finally real. I cried. I wondered why. And after about thirty minutes of wallowing in self-pity, I stopped crying and started making a plan. I called my sweet husband and explained the situation. I told him the options, and we decided on a course to take.

Basically, I am healthy and will most likely have no problem carrying a child to term. I just have no way of creating one on my own. So I could either adopt, or I can find an egg donor. Luckily, I have a sister who is more than willing to donate her eggs so that Thomas and I can have children. She has been an incredible blessing to us, and we are amazed at her willingness to go through this journey with us. because of her sacrifice, Thomas and I will be able to do IVF with a known donor, and chances are it will still even look a bit like me! We have already started the process, and are looking to do the actual procedure in August of this year. We are so blessed to have this opportunity, and are looking forward to being parents hopefully next year! It will be a hard and long road, but since when has anything that is worth doing been easily done?

I am continually amazed at the love and mercy that Thomas and I have been shown by out Father in Heaven. We are so grateful for our trials, because through them all we have become closer to and more aware of our Savior. Every day we are blessed with the knowledge of the Gospel and of it's eternal truth. I know my Father lives, that He loves me, and that through His Son, Jesus Christ, I can obtain a remission of my sins. That I can live with my father in Heaven again. I love my life and cannot give enough thanks for the joy I have received in it. I hope that you all can feel that love for yourselves, and that you can feel of my love as well.

Love,
Sam :)

New Job!

I feel like I bounce around jobs a lot. Why is that? Probably because is the last three years, I have had five jobs. Woof.

And now I've done it again.

But this time, I'm in love. I am a cook at the MTC. It's fantastic! I only have to make two meals a day, and the clean up is a breeze. I work with great people, and we have a lot of fun together. I am excited to see what happens in the future with this job.

In other news, Thomas is now fully into the swing of school and work. He is taking a lot of classes, and sometimes I worry that he has taken on more than he can handle. But he is an incredible person. He does such a good job, and is so smart! I am so proud of him, and how much he still seems to do for me in between all the other things he has going on.

We also bought a car! We got a Ford Fusion, 2011, and she is beautiful! We named her Penelope. So far she is the best car either of us have ever driven, and I am grateful every day for the climate control, the heated seats, and the interior lighting. Thomas is just happy it syncs with his phone. And that it has a V6 engine. He likes the "zoominess" of it. Let's just say we're hooked, and love that we were able to find such a great car for a price we can afford.

We are still going strong with our Foodist diet, and are loving the variety of veggies we can get at the local farmer's market. Speaking of which, I want some ideas for something you would buy at a Farmer's market. I would like to start a business next summer and need ideas for things to teat/perfect so when the next season starts I can be ready!

I guess the last update is that I have a doctor's appointment on Tuesday to get a second opinion about my infertility. I don't have high hopes of finding out that I can have children, but I'm not ready to close that door forever without a second opinion. Thomas and I have also been looking into adoption, and are excited to pursue that in the next year or so. Wish us luck! 

Update

So this post is thanks to Anne Trent, a lovely gal I worked with once and liked so much I decided to be friends with her and bother her with randomness and go lingerie shopping with her. Fun times! She probably is going to read this tonight, so Anne, this one's for you. You little creeper you.

So. School has started again! Thomas is just settling in, having now been to all of his classes and shuffled a few things around. He has a comfy 16 credits, and we have decided that to get out of Provo faster (which we are both a big fan of...) he will be going to school year-round. As much as he hates school, we hate staying here more. Not that Provo is particularly bad, but it's just...a stepping stone. And the sooner we can move on, the sooner we can get on to real life!

Really I just want to find the house of my Pinterest dreams. Go ahead, judge me.

As for me, I am still working at Tho Old Towne Grill in Provo. I am a line/prep/pastry chef, and I like it. Although, I recently interviewed for a position at the MTC, and I REALLY hope I get it. It would be awesome to work at the same place as Thomas, and the pay and hours are better. Which would be awesome. It seems every time I try to branch out from kitchen jobs I end up right back where I started, and Provo/Orem doesn't have childcare jobs. Mostly because everyone stays home with their kids. Which is awesome, but I miss my toddler class from Colorado. I wish I could do that same kind of thing here.

Speaking of kids, I know most of you are probably wondering why I haven't had any of my own yet, as you know I want kids NOW. Well, there is an easy answer for that. I am messed up, and most likely can't have children naturally. There is  a small chance I could do some intensive fertility stuff, but that is incredibly expensive. So for now, it looks like it will be just Thomas and I for a good while.

Strangely, when I found out it would take a miracle for me to conceive the old fashioned way, I was upset for only a little while, and then I was overwhelmed with peace. I felt very strongly that this wasn't something I needed to worry about, and I am content to wait for the Lord's timing.

In other news, My parents and younger brother Westin are now all safely in Saudi Arabia. They just took their first trip to Dubai and had a great time seeing all the craziness that is indoor malls in the Middle East. I am insanely jealous of their adventures and can't wait to go on a few with Thomas. I have been obsessed with cooking shows lately (go figure) and want to visit all these amazing restaurants around the country and the world that they visit.

Also, on the note of food, I have decided to become a Foodist. If you don't know what that is, go and get yourself a copy of "Foodist" by Darya Pino Rose, and your mind will be blown. It literally changed the way I look at food and health. We now eat a LOT of green things in our house, have pedometers, and actively go to the gym six times a week. I am loving it! I also switched to soymilk, which has been awesome, and take vitamins. Hopefully this new job will pan out and I can actually afford the vitamins I want (I have expensive taste, okay?).

That is just like me, wanting fancy vitamins.

To be fair, I want a lot of fancy things, but I control myself because we are saving our money for adventures. Which are also fancy, in a different way.

Okay, so there you have it! The update on our lives!

P.S. I am hosting a dinner this Sunday, I will post on it. If I don't have a post up by next Tuesday, feel free to text me and remind me that you need me to write on my blog so you have something interesting to read while procrastinating doing more useful things with your life.

The Lowdown

It seems that it always takes a while for me to write a post, so I might as well stop apologizing, as you are well used to it by now. Luckily, I have mono, and thus I have large amounts of time to spend doing nothing but updating this blog. Yay! Kudos to those of you who have read over the years, I used to be much better about posting. I guess I used to have more to say. Or just more that I thought was interesting. Anyhoo, here we go again.

Since the last time I posted, several months ago, Thomas and I have taken a couple of vacations, so we'll start there. In May we took a road trip out to California for almost two weeks. Thomas was excited to show me his mission and I was excited to show him the Bay Area and my Grandparents home in Morgan Hill. We drove out to the Bay Area first and spent four wonderful days with my Grandma and Grandpa Loutensock at their gorgeous home on a lake. We spent quite a bit of time with the Bassetts as well, my Aunt and Uncle and their five kids in San Jose. We saw the Muir Woods, the Warf, Boudin Sourdough factory, and Ghirardelli Square. It was a blast! After spending time there, we drove down to Santa Maria, stopping for a couple of hours at Solvang, the adorable little Ducth town. It was fun and reminded me of Germany a bit. In Santa Maria we had dinner with a friend of Thomas's and then continued down to Simi Valley in SoCal to see the Syewarts, some of Thomas's best mission friends. While there we went to Venice Beach, Ojai, Thousand Oaks for sushi with the Maynards (more mission friends), and Santa Monica with my best friend Casey and her adorable daughter Amelie, after which we ate some amazing authentic ramen at an asian food court. All in all, we had an awesome time and look forward to going every year we are in school, as it is close and we have friends and family who will graciously open their homes to us!

After we got home, it was business as usual. Both Thomas and I are working hard and enjoy spending time at the local rec center where we swim, work out, and play racquetball. Thomas has become quite the racquetball player, and luckily the Joe half of our friends Joe and Mindy loves to play and has an extra racket! Happy day! Mindy and I keep busy with Korean dramas while they are playing, and have a great time laughing at the absurd story lines and heartfelt musical numbers.

Last week Thomas's family went up to Yellowstone to camp and check out the park. We decided to join them. We drove up, stopping for a brief trip down memory lane as I showed him around my Alma mater in Rexburg. We camped just outside of West Yellowstone, a place I well remember visiting with Casey when we stayed at her Grandparent's cabin in Island Park during college. We toured the smelly pits of clay and the sulphuric glassine pools of Yellowstone, not forgetting to see 'Ol Faithful on the way. We even saw a bear and some deer!

It was a blast camping with The Tingey clan, and we were sad to leave them.

On Sunday of last week, tragedy struck. I came down with Mono. Ick. So for the foreseeable future I will be limiting my escapades severely, including work. Unfortunately, I got mono the week of my grandparent's 50th anniversary celebration here in Utah. I was supposed to spend as much time as possible gallivanting around with family I haven't seen in years and having a grand old time. Instead I did three small outings where all that was required was sitting in a chair and trying to stay awake. I was glad I got to do that much, as my Mom and youngest brother are leaving for Saudi Arabia in a week. We at least got to say goodbye and good luck. I love my all of my family so much, and I am very blessed to have gotten to see so much of them lately. I know as my parents start out on this new adventure that they will be a blessing to all that they meet, and that they will make that part of the world a brighter place.

That's it for the "what we've been up to" update! I will probably be writing again soon, as this is really all I have left after Hulu runs out of fun things to watch.

Rainy Day Post

So...It's not actually raining, but since I have a cold and I have spent most of the last two days moping around, I thought it was an appropriate title.

Lately life has been pretty normal. Thomas finished up his third semester at BYU in April, and despite going to Colorado for his brother's mission farewell in the middle of finals, he passed all of his finals with flying colors.

The trip to Colorado was a ton of fun, and we both enjoyed seeing our families. We drove down on a Thursday morning and spent the remainder of Thursday and all day Friday with my family in Colorado Springs. It was kind of a goodbye visit for me, as my Mom and younger brother Westin are going to be moving to Saudi Arabia (hopefully) soon. Thomas took Westin to see the new Tom Cruise movie on Friday morning, and I went downtown with my Mom for some QT. We went to the awesome german store for some sentimental imports, walked around Tejon street, and even got a parking ticket! ;) It was great to see them, and we had a really nice time hanging out.

On Friday night we drove down to Florence and spent the rest of the weekend with Thomas's family. On Saturday we hung out and ran a few errands for the farewell party. On Sunday we went to church and listened to Jon's great talk, then went home after church and helped with last-minute prep for the party that afternoon. My Mom and brother both came for church and the party, so we hung out with them for a bit before they headed back to the Springs. We headed back to Provo the next day, regretfully. It was such a great trip!

Life in Provo is uneventful. Thomas is working full-time at the MTC for the summer, and I am still at Old Towne Grill serving and making desserts. We are looking forward to going out to California at the end of the month, so stay tuned for a more interesting post in June!