A New Beginning

I think most of you know now that our first round of IVF was successful! We are expecting twins, and my official due date is May 1st, 2015! Needless to say, we are ecstatic! We hoped and prayed and fasted with all of our family for this outcome, and we are so excited to start our family! I hesitated to share the news too publicly as I am only 8 1/2 weeks right now, but with so many people following our journey up until this point, I figured I would share!

So far I haven't had any morning sickness, which has been a real blessing! The nurse who helped with my first sonogram was impressed that I wasn't sick at all, especially considering that I'm having twins. My main symptom has been fatigue, I feel like I just want to sleep all the time! Luckily I get to take a nap most days, but on the days I don't I really struggle through the afternoons.

My insides also already feel like they've shifted a bit, and things feel funny. I am so paranoid about everything after what we went through to get to this point that it was a huge relief to hear both of those sweet heartbeats last week! I am sure I will be antsy until we pass the 13 week mark, and any happy thoughts and prayers you'd like to send my way would be greatly appreciated!

I know it comes down to having faith and trust in my Heavenly Father, and I am trying to be diligent in putting aside my worry. It's one of those things that is really hard right now, but I know if I rely on Him I will be blessed through this experience. I am so grateful for the opportunity I have had to even carry a child, let alone two! I am so excited for what the future brings, and know that we will continue to be blessed according to our faith. I am so grateful for all the love and support Thomas and I have gotten through this from friends and family, and we are so happy that we have been able to live in a place with such incredible opportunities for our family.

I promise to keep you all updated, and as soon as I stop just looking fat and start looking pregnant, I will start posting belly pics!

Until next time!

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It's Time!

Everything has been leading up to this week. All the hormones, blood tests, shots, and doctor visits are coming to fruition in just a few short days! My sister, our egg donor, flew in last Saturday. We had several ultrasounds each to determine what stage we are at, and what the timeline was for the rest of the week. On Wednesday night she had her trigger shot, which matured the eggs she had produced. This morning was the retrieval!  We had been told we could expect 11 eggs...But there were 14 closer enough to extract! That's awesome! Off those 14 there will be some that won't fertilize, but we are hopeful that we will be able to have a few pregnancies! Only five days until we transfer the embryos, then we wait again. We will find out if we are pregnant on August 25th. I'm excited and nervous, but most of all I have faith that no matter what comes from this we are doing the right thing for our family. 

Hormones: The Continuing Saga

So I am now in the throes of hormone therapy. I have noticed a few things, most of them not really terrible, but just different, and some downright obnoxious. WARNING: This post contains TMI.

One of the first things I have noticed-my boobs are huge. Like, at least a full cup size larger! It's incredible! It's not really a bad thing, except my bras don't fit and I don't really want to pay to replace them. So for now, I have to deal with the dreaded "double boob" that comes with a too-small bra. Also, the girls are tender. Not so much that it really hurts, but enough that I notice. I can only hope that it won't get too much worse when I'm actually pregnant!

Since I started the Lupron injections on Sunday, I have been really fatigued. I can easily sleep for twelve hours and still be tired. This doesn't surprise me, as it has happened to a lesser extent on other hormones, but I am not a fan. I feel useless, and it annoys me that one tiny little injection can make such a huge impact on my energy level.

The crazy has begun. Luckily, Thomas has escaped the bulk of my hormone induced wrath, but some of my co-workers aren't so lucky. I have very little patience with people who can't do their jobs correctly, and am having a tough time keeping it to myself these days. Fortunately for me, most of my co-workers think my angry face is adorable and not at all scary. This helps with not getting fired. Plus everyone there loves me, and I can basically do no wrong. This also helps with the not getting fired.

I have been alternately hot and cold, so much so that in one day I can go from a "clothes are SO not happening right now" to a "it's Antarctica in here, bring me a soft blanket stat!" mood very quickly.  It could have something to do with our schizo thermostat, but Thomas doesn't seem to have any issues...

So all in all, it's been good! I'm sure it'll get more intense as the time for the embryo transfer comes nearer, but I really believe that with the help of my Father in Heaven I can do anything! I have felt His love and support, and I know that He is always there to help me.

Bring on the babies! ;)

And so it begins!

I started on my first round of hormones a few days ago. This first round begins with a hormone called estradiol, and as the name suggests, it is a form of estrogen. I am supposed to take it for about a month, then add in progesterone.

Progesterone causes the crazy to come out.

I haven't ever been on estradiol before, and so far it hasn't made me too crazy, for which I am grateful! The main side effects I have discovered are fatigue and headaches. I haven't ever really had a problem with headaches before other than the occasional "haven't had enough sleep"/ "too much sleep" variety. But since I started the regimen I have had an almost constant throbbing pain, and around the early afternoon I have a distinct "slump" in my energy levels.

I have taken progesterone before, and let me tell you: I become utterly insane.
Random crying, irritability, and the tendancy to be very emotional in general have my poor husband running for cover and throwing chocolate at the wife-beast on an hourly basis.

Once, while on progesterone at the beginning of last year, I spent the better part of four hours crying.  That's right. Four hours. I cried in the shower, on the couch, while getting ready for my night shift as a waitress (didn't help with the makeup application, that is for darn sure), and riding my bike to said job. I only barely got under control to serve tables. This is what hormones do to me, they make me a slobbering pile of girly emotions with a healthy dose of angry and bloaty. Lovely.

Luckily it's all going to be worth it, and I would gladly go through just about anything to have a child, but sometimes I wonder if Heavenly Father made me hormoneless so the world wouldn't have to deal with me on full girlzilla mode all the time! ;)

Everything is coming together, and we are on schedule to do the embryo transfer in August! The fourth week in August is the magic time when we will find out if it worked! I'll try to keep you all updated, thank you for all the support!

Love, Sam

There is something about springtime!

It just makes me want to go outside, eat more fruit than any one person should, and have Bar-B-Ques and picnics. I love Spring and Fall, because they aren't too hot or too cold, and both are periods of transition. This Spring I have a bit more on my mind than usual. I tend to be a restless sort of person, mainly due to the constant moving I did while growing up in a military family. As a result, I am always anxious to move on to the next adventure, sometimes to the detriment of my current situation. I also and a very impatient person. When I decide I want to do something, I want to do it NOW! Whether it be something simple like painting a room another color or something big like moving to another place.

At other times in my life, I could really go from making a decision to following through with it in a matter of days. When I graduated from college, I had less than two weeks before I up and moved to Germany for 13 months. When I came home, I stayed with my parents for a while as I figured out what I wanted to do next, but we got tired of each other pretty quickly, and when I decided to move out, I found a place with roommates and moved out in less than 24 hours.

Yeah. I'm like that.

But now, I'm in a different situation. With Thomas in school and working full-time, we don't really have the option to up and move whenever I want. We can't even move apartments, as we have to find things that are pet friendly (and those kinds of places are few and far between here in Provo). I shouldn't switch jobs, because I love what I do and have awesome coworkers, so that's out. I can only dye my hair so many times before it all falls out, so that isn't happening either.

Basically, I am ready for a change. And Thomas is willing to do anything he can to make me happy, including trying to shove two years of school into less than a year so we can move on. So for the past couple of months, we have been planning out exactly how hard we both have to work so that we can graduate, do IVF, and not go into a horrendous amount of debt in the process.

We added and re-added all the credits that Thomas has left, when he could take them, how much we would both have to work, how much it is going to cost for IVF and school at the same time, and how to time everything so it works out just right. And then I realized...

It can't be done. Sure, if I didn't want to see my husband for the next years straight and stress both of us out, neglect our sweet dogs, and possibly go bankrupt, we could probably do it.

But i like my husband, and I love spending time with him. I love it when he's not super stressed out. I love cuddling my puppies. I really love cuddling my hubby.

And so last night, after wrestling with it for a few days, praying and really deciding what my priorities are, I told Thomas we needed to slow it down. Instead for running ourselves into the ground, we are going to take an extra semester and graduate in December of 2015 instead of April 2015. I have felt so much peace after making this decision, and as much as I dread spending more time in Utah, it's better than having an absentee husband for a year. And I can endure anything if I just put on my big girl panties and suck it up! ;)  I know whatever lies in store for us, that we will do it together, and with The Lord on our side, how can we not succeed?

I am grateful for the promptings of the Spirit. I am grateful I am in tune enough to realize when the Holy Ghost is telling me something that I should be doing even when I don't really want to hear it. I know that If I continue to heed those promptings I will be blessed, and so will my family. And as much as I rebel against being here in Utah, I know it's where we need to be right now.

I broke down and got a Utah driver's license today. So I guess it's official...I'm a Utard. For the time being, at least! ;) I really am enjoying being close to family, and friends from college. I am grateful for the new friends I have made, and for the great ward we are in. I know if I can just have a better attitude, I will be able to have a good time here and continue to make our time here pleasant!

And yes, you can go ahead and be proud that I blogged twice in one month.

Until next time!

Much love,
Sam

I Can Do Hard Things

WARNING: This post contains medical acronyms and may at some points be considered borderline over-sharing. If this sounds embarrassing to you, please refrain from reading.

I have given up on being good at blogging regularly. I'm sure when I have something more exciting to blog about, I will be more inclined to do so. But right now, about every six months I can gather enough material to make a good post. If you have a desperate need for more regular updates, please see my Facebook/Instagram accounts, they are more regularly updated with the daily goings-on. Although, if you are currently reading this, you probably already see the inordinate amount of pug pictures and work shenanigans I post. ;)

Moving on...

It's been a crazy six months. Since I last posted we have:

1. Moved. We now live in a cute three bedroom apartment smack in the middle of the Provo low-income neighborhood. Our complex is an oasis of nicely kept lawn, clean sidewalks, and nicely clothed children in the midst of the ghetto. Or as much of a ghetto as Provo can boast, at least.

2. Adopted two pugs, one three years old (Phoebe) and one four-month-old puppy (Daphne). They are adorable and keep us on our toes.

3. Taken two trips back to Colorado, once for Thanksgiving (we stayed in  Florence with Thomas's family) and once to welcome my younger brother Jordan home from his mission to Brazil (we stayed with my family in Colorado Springs). We had so much fun both times, and look forward to when we can visit again.

4. Almost finished two more semesters of school. Thomas is in the middle of finishing final projects for his classes, and is ready for school to be done. He has a two summer terms and two full semesters left before he graduates. We are both ready to be done, and are trying to decide where we want to be when the time comes. We are lucky enough that with Thomas's degree, we can pretty much have our pick of places to go. I am helping by looking at all the fun houses for sale in several of our top city choices...

5. I started teaching a beginners beading class at a cute little shop in Orem, and also applied for and landed a part-time job at the See's Candies in the University Mall. If anyone needs some truffles, I've got the hook-up. I also get to wear a super fun white dress that resembles something a nurse would wear in a nursing home. It has a giant black bow on the front of it. I'm excited!

6. Found out we will never have biological children. And now the over-sharing begins! It's kind of a long story, but that's what blogs are for, right? So it all starts back when I was an angst-ridden teenager...(cue flashback music and fade effects)...

When I was eighteen years old, my periods stopped. Assuming it was due to being severely overweight, I didn't worry about it. At the time I had a lot of other things on my mind, and having children wasn't even on the list. As time went on and I lost weight, it still didn't really concern me. I figured they would start up again once my body adjusted to it's new weight.

They didn't.

Again, being single, I didn't worry too much. Years passed, I graduated from college, moved to Germany, moved back to the states, started jobs, and lived life.

Then I finally got married. And the infertility talks started. I knew something was amiss, as I had not had a naturally-occurring period in almost eight years. I began seeing a doctor. When he told me I was infertile for reasons unknown to him, I sought a second opinion. The second doctor told me that not only was I infertile, but he suspected I could possibly have a tumor, I again switched doctors. This time I took the recommendation of a friend and went to a reproductive endocrinologist at the UofU. He ran one blood test. It told us all we needed to know.

I am barren. I have no ovarian reserve. No genetic material of any kind to contribute to a child. I was a bit devastated at the news. After being told three times that I could never conceive a child, it was finally real. I cried. I wondered why. And after about thirty minutes of wallowing in self-pity, I stopped crying and started making a plan. I called my sweet husband and explained the situation. I told him the options, and we decided on a course to take.

Basically, I am healthy and will most likely have no problem carrying a child to term. I just have no way of creating one on my own. So I could either adopt, or I can find an egg donor. Luckily, I have a sister who is more than willing to donate her eggs so that Thomas and I can have children. She has been an incredible blessing to us, and we are amazed at her willingness to go through this journey with us. because of her sacrifice, Thomas and I will be able to do IVF with a known donor, and chances are it will still even look a bit like me! We have already started the process, and are looking to do the actual procedure in August of this year. We are so blessed to have this opportunity, and are looking forward to being parents hopefully next year! It will be a hard and long road, but since when has anything that is worth doing been easily done?

I am continually amazed at the love and mercy that Thomas and I have been shown by out Father in Heaven. We are so grateful for our trials, because through them all we have become closer to and more aware of our Savior. Every day we are blessed with the knowledge of the Gospel and of it's eternal truth. I know my Father lives, that He loves me, and that through His Son, Jesus Christ, I can obtain a remission of my sins. That I can live with my father in Heaven again. I love my life and cannot give enough thanks for the joy I have received in it. I hope that you all can feel that love for yourselves, and that you can feel of my love as well.

Love,
Sam :)