What's Next?

School. I have decided to go back and do something about that dead-end feeling. It struck me last week that I shouldn't allow lack of funding to hold me back, and so I am planning on enrolling in the Alternative License program at UCCS and get my Teaching License for Secondary Education. I want to eventually teach High School English. I have always wanted to teach, but my motivation just wasn't at the right level before now, and I figure I am at a stable enough point in my life to make it happen. Of course, it would have been easier to do when I was still and undergraduate, but I guess I'll just have to have faith that this is what I need to be doing right now. It struck me so forcefully that this is what I need to do, so I will trust that and move forward!

Contemplation

It's been a little over a month since I started my new job, and I still love it. The kids are just so fun to work with! I begin as the cook soon, and so I will not get to work with the kids as much as I would like, but the hours are much nicer, so it's kind of a trade-off. So that is my update as far as the job goes.

As far as everything else, it seems having a job that I like and am good at does not automatically solve all of my other problems. Lately I have just felt a little bit lost. Like there is no forward motion happening in my life. I suppose I have felt this way before, and every time I did, I would move. Move states, move apartment complexes, move out of the country, move back to the states, move out of my family's house. But right now, I have nowhere to go. I can't move. I don't know if I am just getting bored with where I am or if I am discontent with the way my life is going. Before, I could always escape. But there isn't an easy way out of the situation I am in now, and I don't know if changing my surroundings will be at all helpful to me right now.

So what I am left with is the monotony of a never-changing tomorrow that I feel powerless to change. I have a useless degree, a dead-end job, a student loan, and it looks as if very soon I will have to add a car payment to that list. I know I sound like a downer, but I'm not sad or upset, I am just at a loss of what to do next. I suppose I could find a way to keep traveling the world, but I don't believe that will bring me any more satisfaction in life than I have now.

As much as I harp on it, I want a purpose. I want to be needed. I need some kind of responsibility in life. I want to be a wife, a mother, a homemaker. But since thus far I have not even seriously dated, I doubt that I will be in that situation for a long time yet.

So then what? What does one do when denied what they have always viewed as the purpose of their time in this second estate? That is what I am trying to figure out. And so far, I am left a little confused and entirely at a loss.

I know what I want out of life. I know that I was born to a purpose and that I am an immeasurably valuable daughter of God. So what am I supposed to do? There has to be more than what I do now. I just have to find what it is that either I am missing, or that I haven't given enough thought, fasting, and prayer to have received an answer for. Until the day that I find it, I will remain a stalwart, faithful, and humble servant in the Kingdom of our Heavenly Father. And if I say that enough times, maybe one day I will actually become all that I am needed to be.

;) Till next time!

New Job!

So...on Monday, I started a new job at a childcare center (they call it an early learning center, but when you take babies as small as 6 weeks, it's a daycare to me) and so far I LOVE it! It is so much fun to be able to work with kids again, I have always enjoyed kids. I am what they call a "floater", which means I go wherever they need me to go. Last week I worked with the two-year-old, three-year-old, and five-year-old kids for most of the week. i am also in charge of doing the bus run to the local elementary school to pick up some of the kids that come after school. I have about twenty that get a ride on our bus, and I love doing it! Not only is it a nice break, but the kids are just so fun! I hope that I continue to enjoy this new job and that I can make a difference in the lives of the people I work with and the kids I am in charge of.

It Lifts My Soul

Lately, as my life has seemed to fall apart and then come together again, I have been constantly amazed by the way music can always soothe me and make me happy, even in the darkest times. No matter how I am feeling, I can find a song to make me feel understood, loved, happy, joyous, and pacified.

What is it about music that makes it such a balm for the soul? I can only believe that God meant it to be that way. He knew that in times when we were most lost, when we most need Him, His spirit would always be able to be felt through music. Every time I hear a hymn of praise, I can feel His loving arms around me, and I am filled to bursting with gratitude and a certainty in my eternal purpose. It makes my heart sing, and I feel that no matter what trials I have to go through i life, I will never have to endure them alone.

Because I have always had an affinity for music and I was raised in a particularly musical home, I feel that I am uniquely suited to share that love with others. I very much dislike singing for large groups, and I have pretty bad nerves when I do decide to do it. But I know that in some small way, I am helping others to feel the love of the Savior, and of our Heavenly Father. And so occasionally I will volunteer to sing for holidays or other things. I recently consented to sing at the ward Christmas party and in Sacrament meeting. Although I know my hands will start going numb from nerves, I am grateful that I was blessed with the talent of sharing the love of God with others through music, and I hope to continue to do so for many years to come!

Now, just for grins and giggles, I thought I would list some of my favorite songs, both sacred and secular:

Hymns:

1. Come Thou Fount Of Every Blessing (Who doesn't like this one? I mean, seriously.)


2. Brightly Beams Our Father's Mercy-This is a men's hymn, and I love the message it has of the merciful nature of God.


3. Lead Kindly Light-I have always loved this one.


4. All Creatures of Our God and King-I once sang a 4-part women's harmony on this song, and it was possibly one of the most beautiful arrangements of any song I have ever heard.


5. How Can I Keep From Singing-It's just uplifting, and perfectly puts in words how music can lift us and bring light into darkness.


Secular (I have new favorite songs on an almost weekly basis, so this changes a lot, but right now this list is accurate):

1. Dashboard Confessional-You Have Stolen My Heart (If you think you might be in love but don't know, listen to this song, and you will.)


2. Young The Giant-Cough Syrup (Just the right amount of melancholy...)


3. Ellie Goulding-Lights (This one just makes me inexplicably happy).


4. Death Cab For Cutie-You Are a Tourist (Although I actually love almost every song they've ever done. LOVE.)


5. John Mayer-Assassin


6. The Fray-Heartbeat


7. Coldplay-Paradise


Of course, there are innumerable songs that I have left off of both lists for the sake of not having a billion-page post, but rest assured that my love of all types of music continues to grow! What is your favorite song this week? Inquiring minds would like to know! ;)

When one door closes...

...another inevitably opens! So, a quick update on the past two weeks:

1. I quit my job.
2. I was very upset about quitting, but it needed to be done. I was a little depressed about it for a day or so, but decided to press forward and look for something new!
3. I found a new job! I'll be working at a daycare as the full-time cook.
4. I got released as the FHE coordinator in my ward, and was called as a Relief Society teacher. I am so excited to be a teacher! I am really looking forward to having a calling that I only have to think about once every month, haha.
5. I have been really, really happy for the first time in a long time.
6. I have been sick for about two months now, mostly from stress, and I have finally been feeling better! I didn't realize just how much it was draining me to be chronically ill until I started getting better.

That's all for now! I know, not much. But it isn't really one of those long updates that I go into detail with...and yes I know that I hardly ever go into detail, but honestly, of the two people that read this blog, you all mostly know what is going on anyway. ;)

Update

Well, I didn't get that job. So for now, I am just going to have to try harder to be better at my job. Also, I need to try harder not to be so whiny. I feel like all I do is whine! I need to stop. I have been incredibly blessed, and I have absolutely nothing to complain about. Update over! ;)

Oh Dear. Life is at it again.

So I find myself constantly in transition lately. Every time I think I have things figured out and under control, in comes the curveball. Not that I have any complaints. I have had and will continue to have a blessed, happy, and joyful life. But happiness has never precluded trials. I was never promised an easy life, and I will continue to have hardship for the rest of my days. And for that I am grateful. If I had never had to suffer through trials in the past, I wouldn't be the smart, wonderful, capable person I am today, haha ;)

So, now an update. I am currently in the process of acquiring new employment. The woman I work for happens to be my very best friend's mother, and while I do like working for her, lately I have found that I am really not the right person for the job. It is not only causing me untold amounts of stress, but I feel that my relationship with her family is becoming strained. So, in an effort to salvage that relationship and to be happier and less stressed myself, I will be drastically cutting back the hours I work for this wonderful woman, and spending more time working another job which I have interviewed for, but have not necessarily been hired for yet. (Fingers crossed!)

So that's one thing.

Secondly, there is the boy thing. Which is frustrating, and hard, and I have spent entirely too much time talking about. I will spare you from hearing about it again.

Then there is the fact that I really, truly need a new car. But as much as I need one, I cannot afford to own one. Right now my parents have graciously allowed me to use our family's extra car, which happens to be a 1994 Ford Aerostar van. It is bright red, seats seven, has not heat or air conditioning, gets 10 miles to the gallon and eats premium gas like a champ. Also, the driver's side window doesn't roll down. Which makes ordering at a drive through, paying toll booths, and talking to people on the road very difficult.

That being said, it does run. It gets me from point A to point B. And if I end up not being able to pay rent, I could totally fit everything I own into the back of it, save my dresser. That would be a legit apartment.

Now that I have sufficiently related my sorrows, concerns, and worries, I will again go back to the fact that I am, and have always been, very blessed. I have an amazing family, awesome friends, and a loving Father in Heaven who will always supply everything I need in this life and the life to come. And for that knowledge, and the knowledge of my Savior, I will have joy for the rest of my life.

Love Love Me! ;)